That is a question I was asked many times when I was a kid. My answers changed over the years.
"A singer". "A pre-school teacher". "A nurse". But there was one answer that never changed: "I want to be a mom".
Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of being a mom. I dreamt about meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love, getting married and starting a family.
Well, I met the man of my dreams, we fell in love, we got married, and then it was time to start a family...YAY! Ok, if I'm being honest, as unpopular as this truth may be, we weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant before we got married. When we started dating, we were both in our thirties and we were on the same page about wanting to have kids sooner rather than later. I had been told when I was younger that due to a medical condition that I have (I'll talk more about that in a minute) it would probably be difficult for me to get pregnant. I was up front with my husband about my condition early on. We decided we'd forgo any form of contraception and if we weren't pregnant by the time we were married we'd be more proactive about trying. Well, the wedding came and went and still no babies.
A little bit about that medical condition that I mentioned. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with PCOS, which stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal condition that can cause infertility in women. I remember when I first saw the word "infertility" associated with PCOS, I thought being infertile meant never being able to have children. I thought it was synonymous with the word "sterile". I know now after doing extensive research on infertility (I swear I'm practically an expert on the topic at this point) that a couple is considered to be infertile when they are unable to get pregnant after six months to one year of trying to conceive (six months for women over 35 and one year for women under the age of 35).
Now back to our journey. As I said, the wedding came and went and still I had not gotten pregnant. At that point we had already reached the one year mark of trying to conceive and were officially in the infertile zone. So we became more proactive and REALLY started trying. I bought my first ovulation predictor kit and a fertility thermometer to check my basal body temperature. I bought a notebook with the phrase "Let the adventure begin" printed on the cover and inside of it I would chart my temperature each morning and tape the corresponding ovulation strip for that day on the line next to my temp.
For the first few months of using the OPK, I never got a positive result. I thought I had figured out the problem: I wasn't ovulating. I had read all about anovulation (not ovulating) and the possible treatments to induce ovulation. I thought "Ok, no big deal. I'll just take some meds and start ovulating and we'll be on our way!". I made an appointment with a fertility doctor for a consultation and to have a few tests done. In the time leading up to that appointment, my husband had a semen analysis done. When he received a call from his doctor with the results, we were shocked. It turns out that our infertility issues weren't one-sided. I expect that eventually some friends and family members may read this so I won't get into the details of the semen analysis out of respect for my husband, but they weren't good. This raised a whole new set of questions. Even if I can get pregnant, will I be able to have a child that is biologically both mine and my husband's? Will we have to use donor sperm from a complete stranger? Is this the end of our trying to conceive journey? Even with the discouraging results of the semen analysis, I decided to stick with my appointment with the fertility doctor to see what was going on on my end. The news we received during my appointment wasn't much better. The doctor did a transvaginal ultrasound and said that I had many cysts on both of my ovaries.
He said that based on what he saw, he would recommend going straight to IVF (in vitro fertilization). IVF is not covered under my insurance (nor is any other type of infertility treatment) and the quote that was given to us for the price of IVF was somewhere in the ballpark of $15,000-$20,000. Not exactly pocket change. The other major concern is that I am a type 2 diabetic, which would put me at high risk if I were to become pregnant. After all of this was discussed during the appointment, I was in tears and drained of all hope of realizing my dream of becoming a mom. After the doctor left the room, I stood up from the examination table to get dressed and my husband asked me to sit back down. He sat in front of me and said "Listen. I know that wasn't what we wanted to hear, but everything is going to be ok. It might be harder for us, but we are going to be parents one way or another. I can promise you that". I know in my heart that he is right.
Shortly after that appointment, my husband had another semen analysis done at the request of his doctor. The results this time were better than the first but still not good. The improvement in his results gave us hope. I had stopped tracking my ovulation for a few months and after the hopeful news, I decided to start testing again. After months and months of nothing but negatives, I got my first positive...I WAS OVULATING!
We tried again that month and I tried everything short of standing on my head. In the days that followed the positive ovulation test, my body and mind played all sorts of tricks on me. Every possible "symptom" that I had made me think I was pregnant. I anxiously awaited the day when I could take a pregnancy test (the two week wait). At the end of the two weeks, I took a test. Negative. At that point I had become used to seeing a single line or the words "Not Pregnant". But that time it stung a little more than the others. The next month I ovulated AGAIN. Two weeks after I ovulated, I took another pregnancy test, and again it was negative.
That brings us to today. I made an appointment with my OBGYN to see what tests she can order that might be covered by insurance. That appointment is on December 18th. My husband is going to set up another appointment with his doctor to see what he can do to improve things on his end. We have talked about how much money we can afford to put into a savings account each month in case IVF is our only option. I am trying to trudge ahead on this journey and do whatever I can to keep moving forward, but I am also doing everything I can to try to reduce the amount of stress I have been under throughout this whole process.
There are a few reasons why I decided to write this blog. One is to try to reduce my stress level by putting all of my thoughts into words. Another reason is because this journey has been an extremely lonely one. There are friends and family members that I have opened up to about our struggles with trying to conceive and there has been a lot of silence on their end. And I get it. If someone hasn't been through this experience, how are they supposed to understand? How are they supposed to know what to say? I don't think I would know what to say. To be honest, some of the things that have been said are harder to hear than the silence. "Just relax. It'll happen." "You can always adopt!" "Stop stressing!" I guess what I'd like to hear is "How are you doing? Are there any updates? Do you feel like talking? I'm here to listen." I guess one positive thing about going through all of this is it has given me a tremendous amount of empathy. If anyone I come across in the future is going through struggles with infertility, I can tell them that I understand. They're not alone. I can be there for them the way that I would like someone to be there for me.
And so our journey continues. I am still holding onto hope, and as my husband said, I know we will be parents someday. Somehow. Some way. For now, I will continue to daydream about one day seeing that elusive second line.
No comments:
Post a Comment