On the Path to Parenthood

I finally feel like we're on the right path.

On the 13th, my husband and I took a trip to Chicago to spend time with his family for an early Christmas celebration. The trip was a welcomed vacation from the daily stress of trying to conceive. By the time we left for Chicago, I had spent weeks, maybe months, thinking about conceiving a child non-stop. It had been on my mind for the past couple of years, but it had gotten to a point where it consumed my every thought. From listening to podcasts, to reading posts in online support groups, reading articles online, watching videos on YouTube posted by couples who documented their infertility journey, watching any documentary I could find about infertility...it was NON.STOP. I needed to get away, get out of my normal everyday routine, and just allow myself to take a break. I needed to hit the "Reset" button in my brain. I was able to feel a sense of peace in knowing that the day after we were set to arrive home from Chicago, I had an appointment scheduled with my OBGYN to discuss what my next steps should be. I felt comfort in knowing that soon I might finally have some answers and might finally be able to talk to someone who could point me in the right direction.

While we were in Chicago, we stayed with my sister-in-law, her husband and their twin boys. The twins were conceived via IVF. My sister-in-law and her husband had gone through their own struggles with infertility for years before they were finally blessed with the twins. I had already known about how the twins were conceived, but I had never talked to my sister-in-law about the struggles they faced when trying to start a family. One night, after the twins and my husband's parents went to bed, my husband and I had a long conversation with his sister and her husband. My husband at one point mentioned that we were trying to start a family and it opened up the door for us to bring up the topic of infertility. My sister-in-law and her husband shared with us about their struggles and all that they did to try to get pregnant. I cannot even begin to describe how much comfort I felt being able to look another couple in the eye and hear them talk about feeling the same feelings that I have been feeling for the past couple of years. At the end of the conversation, they offered their support and asked us to reach out to them if we ever wanted to talk. I think I slept better that night than I had in months.

We arrived home on the 17th, jet-lagged and ready to get back to our normal routine. Before I went to bed that night, I gathered up all of the copies of test results for my husband and myself and put them into a manila envelope. I couldn't wait to meet with my doctor and get the ball rolling. My husband and I got into bed, kissed goodnight, turned off the lights, and seconds later he was sound asleep and snoring. As tired as I was from a full day of traveling, I stayed awake for hours thinking about my appointment. What questions should I ask? What if my OBGYN tells me the same thing that the fertility doctor told us - that we should go straight to IVF? Even if she does recommend different tests and treatments, will my insurance cover any of it?

The next day at work went by at a snail's pace. I can't say I was very productive that day. My appointment wasn't until 2:00pm and I was counting down the minutes until I could leave work. I finally arrived at my OBGYN's office a little before 2:00. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room. I looked around and realized that I was the only one in there who wasn't pregnant. As the minutes went by, more and more women entered the room and every one of them was pregnant. Every.Single.One. At first I felt feelings of jealousy and frustration. But then I had a realization:  I didn't know what any of these women went through to get pregnant. Maybe some of them conceived without any problems. Maybe some of them had struggled for years before becoming pregnant. I turned my jealousy and frustration into hope. Maybe one day I would be one of the pregnant women walking into that office.

I was finally called back for my time with the doctor. I sat in the exam room with my manila folder full of test results clutched in my sweaty hands. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I heard a knock on the door and the doctor walked in. Finally. She sat in front of me and asked lots of questions about our journey so far. After filling her in and giving her the test results that I had, including my husband's semen analysis results, she told me that it seemed most likely to her that our main problem was male factor. She recommended that my husband see a urologist to try and improve his sperm count and quality, and she gave me the name and number of a urologist that spouses of some of her other patients had seen. Then we discussed a plan for me. During my hours of research online, I had read all about diagnostic testing that can be done on women. Although the doctor suspected that my husband may be the main reason we hadn't been able to conceive, I wanted to be sure that there weren't any hidden problems on my end. I knew I had to be a self advocate and ask for what I wanted. Luckily my self advocacy was well received and my doctor gave me an "Infertility Flow Plan".

It listed the different tests she would like for me to have done throughout my next cycle. It was exactly what I had been waiting for. I wanted homework! I wanted someone to give me assignments so that I could get to work and get some answers. And that's exactly what she gave to me.
So for next month, my assignments include getting blood work done at two different times of the month, having an HSG done (which, from my understanding, is where dye is injected into the uterus and through the fallopian tubes to check the shape of the uterus and to see if there is a blockage in either tube), and having an ultrasound done to check my ovaries. I have never been so excited to have medical testing done.

I called my husband as soon as I left the doctor's office to give him a report of how the appointment went. He was excited and immediately asked for the urologist's contact information so that he could book an appointment as soon as possible. Having him on board and knowing that he wants a baby just as badly as I do has made this whole journey much more bearable.

So now I wait for my next cycle to begin. Before my appointment with my OBGYN, I felt like I was blindly trying to navigate through all of this with no direction. Even if the fertility doctor was right, that IVF is our best and possibly only option, at least I will feel like we have done all we can do and had all the possible testing done before coming to that conclusion.

And so the journey continues...

From the Beginning...

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

That is a question I was asked many times when I was a kid. My answers changed over the years.
"A singer". "A pre-school teacher". "A nurse". But there was one answer that never changed:  "I want to be a mom".

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of being a mom. I dreamt about meeting the man of my dreams, falling in love, getting married and starting a family.

Well, I met the man of my dreams, we fell in love, we got married, and then it was time to start a family...YAY! Ok, if I'm being honest, as unpopular as this truth may be, we weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant before we got married. When we started dating, we were both in our thirties and we were on the same page about wanting to have kids sooner rather than later. I had been told when I was younger that due to a medical condition that I have (I'll talk more about that in a minute) it would probably be difficult for me to get pregnant. I was up front with my husband about my condition early on. We decided we'd forgo any form of contraception and if we weren't pregnant by the time we were married we'd be more proactive about trying. Well, the wedding came and went and still no babies.

A little bit about that medical condition that I mentioned. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with PCOS, which stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal condition that can cause infertility in women. I remember when I first saw the word "infertility" associated with PCOS, I thought being infertile meant never being able to have children. I thought it was synonymous with the word "sterile". I know now after doing extensive research on infertility (I swear I'm practically an expert on the topic at this point) that a couple is considered to be infertile when they are unable to get pregnant after six months to one year of trying to conceive (six months for women over 35 and one year for women under the age of 35).

Now back to our journey. As I said, the wedding came and went and still I had not gotten pregnant. At that point we had already reached the one year mark of trying to conceive and were officially in the infertile zone. So we became more proactive and REALLY started trying. I bought my first ovulation predictor kit and a fertility thermometer to check my basal body temperature. I bought a notebook with the phrase "Let the adventure begin" printed on the cover and inside of it I would chart my temperature each morning and tape the corresponding ovulation strip for that day on the line next to my temp.

For the first few months of using the OPK, I never got a positive result. I thought I had figured out the problem:  I wasn't ovulating. I had read all about anovulation (not ovulating) and the possible treatments to induce ovulation. I thought "Ok, no big deal. I'll just take some meds and start ovulating and we'll be on our way!". I made an appointment with a fertility doctor for a consultation and to have a few tests done. In the time leading up to that appointment, my husband had a semen analysis done. When he received a call from his doctor with the results, we were shocked. It turns out that our infertility issues weren't one-sided. I expect that eventually some friends and family members may read this so I won't get into the details of the semen analysis out of respect for my husband, but they weren't good. This raised a whole new set of questions. Even if I can get pregnant, will I be able to have a child that is biologically both mine and my husband's? Will we have to use donor sperm from a complete stranger? Is this the end of our trying to conceive journey? Even with the discouraging results of the semen analysis, I decided to stick with my appointment with the fertility doctor to see what was going on on my end. The news we received during my appointment wasn't much better. The doctor did a transvaginal ultrasound and said that I had many cysts on both of my ovaries.

He said that based on what he saw, he would recommend going straight to IVF (in vitro fertilization). IVF is not covered under my insurance (nor is any other type of infertility treatment) and the quote that was given to us for the price of IVF was somewhere in the ballpark of $15,000-$20,000. Not exactly pocket change. The other major concern is that I am a type 2 diabetic, which would put me at high risk if I were to become pregnant. After all of this was discussed during the appointment, I was in tears and drained of all hope of realizing my dream of becoming a mom. After the doctor left the room, I stood up from the examination table to get dressed and my husband asked me to sit back down. He sat in front of me and said "Listen. I know that wasn't what we wanted to hear, but everything is going to be ok. It might be harder for us, but we are going to be parents one way or another. I can promise you that". I know in my heart that he is right.

Shortly after that appointment, my husband had another semen analysis done at the request of his doctor. The results this time were better than the first but still not good. The improvement in his results gave us hope. I had stopped tracking my ovulation for a few months and after the hopeful news, I decided to start testing again. After months and months of nothing but negatives, I got my first positive...I WAS OVULATING!

We tried again that month and I tried everything short of standing on my head. In the days that followed the positive ovulation test, my body and mind played all sorts of tricks on me. Every possible "symptom" that I had made me think I was pregnant. I anxiously awaited the day when I could take a pregnancy test (the two week wait). At the end of the two weeks, I took a test. Negative. At that point I had become used to seeing a single line or the words "Not Pregnant". But that time it stung a little more than the others. The next month I ovulated AGAIN. Two weeks after I ovulated, I took another pregnancy test, and again it was negative.

That brings us to today. I made an appointment with my OBGYN to see what tests she can order that might be covered by insurance. That appointment is on December 18th. My husband is going to set up another appointment with his doctor to see what he can do to improve things on his end. We have talked about how much money we can afford to put into a savings account each month in case IVF is our only option. I am trying to trudge ahead on this journey and do whatever I can to keep moving forward, but I am also doing everything I can to try to reduce the amount of stress I have been under throughout this whole process.

There are a few reasons why I decided to write this blog. One is to try to reduce my stress level by putting all of my thoughts into words. Another reason is because this journey has been an extremely lonely one. There are friends and family members that I have opened up to about our struggles with trying to conceive and there has been a lot of silence on their end. And I get it. If someone hasn't been through this experience, how are they supposed to understand? How are they supposed to know what to say? I don't think I would know what to say. To be honest, some of the things that have been said are harder to hear than the silence. "Just relax. It'll happen." "You can always adopt!" "Stop stressing!" I guess what I'd like to hear is "How are you doing? Are there any updates? Do you feel like talking? I'm here to listen." I guess one positive thing about going through all of this is it has given me a tremendous amount of empathy. If anyone I come across in the future is going through struggles with infertility, I can tell them that I understand. They're not alone. I can be there for them the way that I would like someone to be there for me.

And so our journey continues. I am still holding onto hope, and as my husband said, I know we will be parents someday. Somehow. Some way. For now, I will continue to daydream about one day seeing that elusive second line.